Chapter 32, Part 2: All in the Reflexes

As usual, warnings apply: This is the rough draft of a story with adult themes and situations. If you are offended by bad language and grammatical errors, gentle reader, read no further! For those of you who have decided to stay, thanks for reading. I hope you enjoy this week's chapter!


Stirling arrived, hot and sweating under his heavy jacket with only three minutes to spare. Magnon perched on the peak of an old schoolhouse on the other side of the intersection. There was no point in giving away the crow’s presence by having him on his shoulder when the music started. Magnon’s presence was the one small advantage that they still held over the set of murderous twats that were Madame Rag and Mister Bone.

Clark and Broadway was a busy intersection with squat three-story apartment blocks kitty-corner to each other, and an old schoolhouse and a Petro-Can gas station on the others. He wondered how many supernatural kidnappings happened at gas stations.

Stirling scanned his surroundings looking to see if he could find the distinctive form of Rag’s partner in crime. The man would be hard to miss. On a day like today, he’d be like a walking solar eclipse, blocking out half the sunlight as he went. Sadly, or perhaps not, there was no sign of either of the couple. Stirling loitered around the large ice chest that stood outside of the convenience store attached to the gas station to wait.

He didn’t have to wait long. A black town car with tinted windows, riding low on its rear suspension pulled into the parking lot of the gas station.

“Here we go,” Stirling sent to Magnon. “You know what to do.”

“Good luck.”

They didn’t have any time to chat further as Madame Rag emerged from the driver’s side door and glared at him.

“You look absurd bald. Get in the car.”

“You’ll have to do better than that, mon petite salmonella cupcake,” Stirling called to her, seeing no reason not to begin putting his plan into action immediately. “I’m going to need proof that Rebbecca’s still alive.”

Madame Rag’s glare intensified, and the rear passenger window hummed downward to reveal a petite brunette with a pixie cut. It was Rebbecca, but she was not alone. In an act that was part-contortion, part meat-based origami, Mister Bone had somehow folded himself into the back seat and had his economy-sized ham of a fist wrapped completely around Rebbecca’s neck.

“Hey WeetaBeks, how’s it hanging?”

Rebbecca glared at him over a cloth gag, lifted a tattooed arm into view, and fingered him with a well-manicured digit. Yup, it was her alright.

“Get in the car,” Madame Rag told him.

Stirling weighed his options, trying as hard as he could to think of some way to avoid joining this carpool of the howling insane.

“This doesn’t have to get messy,” Stirling told her. “Let Rebbecca go, and I’m willing to let bygones be bygones.” Rag just glared some more.

“I’d even be willing to go so far as to add you onto my Costco membership,” he said, as though offering up gem-encrusted unicorn that ate worries and pooped gold. “It’s not the cheap membership mind you, I’m talking a full business membership.” He pulled out his wallet and flashed his black card to demonstrate that he wasn’t just fucking with her, he could indeed deliver the goods. “Mister Bone can’t be cheap to feed, even with the really big bags of kibble.”

He looked around theatrically to see if anyone was listening and continued speaking in a conspiratorial tone. “Also, I know for a fact they sell personal lubricant by the pallet load.” He eyed her small frame up and down significantly. “You could be saving more than just money, if you know what I mean,” he said pointing discreetly at his groin with both hands and loudly whispered, “your vagina,” at her.

Rebbecca’s face reddened as Mister Bone started to squeeze.

“Get. In. The. Car.”

“Hurt one hair on her head, and I’m throwing down, right here, right now, you psychotic bottle-blonde size queen.” Stirling met Madame Rag’s glare with his own. He didn’t get anything more than a twisted smile.

“Is it lunch yet?” Mister Bone growled.

“Very nearly,” Rag replied.

Mister Bone continued to squeeze, and Rebbecca’s breath began to rasp in her throat.

“Stirling!” Rebbecca gasped.

“Fine! I’ll get in, but just you remember, I gave you a chance to back out of this all peaceful-like. When I’m done with you two they’re going to need to send a search party to find the search party that got lost trying to find all your pieces.”

Stirling opened the front passenger door and flopped onto the leather seat, his arms crossed over his chest.

Rag got in the driver’s seat and pressed a button on her door. The doors all made a chunking noise as they locked and she gave him a nasty smile.

“Watch out, we’ve got a badass here,” he said, holding up his hands theatrically.

Rag’s face transitioned from malicious to sour and she began to rummage in her purse. Stirling took the opportunity to securely buckle himself in.

“Put this on,” said Madame Rag handing him a black nylon bag.”

“Does Bone make you wear this? You know, when he’s feeling romantic?”

Rag’s jaw tightened. “Put the bag on now.”

He put a hand to his scalp. “But my hair!”

“Now!” Rag roared.

Stirling looked back at Rebbecca, her neck was still in the grip of the King Kong stunt-double in the back seat. He sighed, and put the bag on. It smelled like the vomit from a dozen different ethnicities.
“Fuck! Seriously?! Don’t you people ever wash these things out?! It smells like Bone shat a skunk into this thing!”

The car began to move and they bottomed-out on the way out of the gas station.

“I understand now,” said Magnon as Rag pulled into traffic. “Lull them into a false sense of security by doing exactly what they want. What a brilliant stratagem. You mad genius, how will they ever get out of this one?” 

“Go eat a bag of cold dicks,” said Stirling to the crow—and everyone else who happened to be in earshot.

It was the last straw. Rag cold-cocked him in the temple, bouncing his head off the passenger-side window just as he hoped she would. Stirling’s sight faded to black. The suckers.